The Truth About Chain Letters

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, when that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.

I mean, come on!!! Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? Or that Old Navy and The Gap are dueling over who sends more of their stupid e-mails and if you forward it to all of your friends, you'll get a $100 gift certificate for everyone you send it to? How stupid are you? There are no email tracking devices that tell how many times an email has been forwarded and no one is sending you money to test it out. And while we are on that subject, the Red Cross does not track emails either nor do they donate 3 cents for every person you forward a bogus email to. They donate their time.....for free. And they ask you to help out by either donating your own money or by volunteering at your local Red Cross.

Another stupid one is the "make a wish" forward. Oooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit! Is there something wrong with you people???? There must be if you are still sending business cards to Craig Shergold (or Sherwood, or Sherman, etc.) in England, who by the way is not dying of cancer or anything else and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is no longer a "little boy" either.

Hmmmm, and there is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell bent on believing the kidney theft stories, CLICK HERE And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories." None have. That's "none" as in "zero." Not even your friend's cousin.

So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

Fuck them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out chain letter forwards. The 10 years of bad luck with your love life comes from forwarding all these stupid chains and driving everyone crazy!

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:


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>>> Make a wish!!!
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>>> No, really, go on and make one!!!
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>>> Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
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>>> Wish something else!!!
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>>> Not that, you pervert!!
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>>> Is your finger getting tired yet?
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>>> STOP!!!!
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>>> Wasn't that fun? :)
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>>> Hope you made a great wish :)


Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! I know someone who didnít send it to enough people and all that stuff really happened to her.

Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

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Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!

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Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died.

This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2

Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity

This Could Happen To You Too!!!

Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

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Chain Letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

FRIENDS
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A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit,
and your breath smells like you've been eating cat food,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of arseholes,
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English......no, sorry, that's the cleaning lady,
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never be able to have sex ever again.

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The point being?? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. If you are one of those insufferable idiots who forwards anything that "promises" something bad will happen if you "don't," - then something bad WILL happen to you if I ever meet you in a dark alley. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right? WRONG!!!! Now stop forwarding stupid emails or you'll find all your clothes missing tomorrow morning and the program I just installed on your hard drive when you opened this web page will activate your CD-ROM to reach out and SLAP you upside your head.