Mental Hospital Answering Machine

"Hello, .... and welcome to the mental health hotline........

~If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
~If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
~If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
~If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
~If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
~If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
~If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
~If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
~If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
~If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
~If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
~If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you anyway.